Being in a long term relationship can be wonderful. Having a partner to come home to after a particularly hard day, cuddle on those particularly cold nights, and form ambitious plans for the future with, is a joy in life that appears to be one of the major aims of western culture. And you can see why: independence in a woman drips with negative connotations: old maid, spinster, crazy cat lady... You get the picture. So daunting is this picture that, to some women, being in a relationship can seem like the Holy Grail; our ultimate goal. You only have to watch a few episodes of SATC to get a taste of that.
Offering it up on a Platter
As a result of our persistent cultural hunger to ‘pair up’, once we do find ourselves in a long-term emotional partnership, we are more than willing to dish up this independence to our new found prince charming on a platter: ‘take it, it’s yours, that’s so not me anymore.’ Often we do this subconsciously, without even realising it, until (perhaps) the proverbial rug is pulled beneath our feet and we find we have placed all our eggs in the wrong basket.
The Different Forms of Independence
Giving up your independence comes in many forms, and your idea of what this entails may be significantly different to that of your friend, or your mother, or you grandmother. It can be financial, arguably the most dangerous and quite probably the most impractical form of submission from independence. It can, of course, be emotional; it can be in terms of security, for example, one of the big reasons that women stay in even the worst relationships is because they feel they have no other option.
Splitting the Atom
The point is that this should never need to be the case. Just because you are in a relationship and your partner is part of your life, they need not be your whole life. This is a vital thing to remember. Repeat it with me:
‘I love you, and you are a wonderful part of my life,
but you are not my whole life.’
You wouldn’t jump from a plane without the security of a parachute; don’t jump into a relationship without the security of a life that can and will exist with or without your partner, however scrumptiously charming they are.
Isn’t this all a tad cynical?
Many amongst you will be asking: who wants to think about life without the person they love? Surely, if you’re thinking about that, you’re not really made for the other person? What about trust??
All valid points, you might even imagine I’d been hit hard by a break-up to form such a sceptical opinion, but that’s not the case. In fact, I’ve been in a serious relationship since I was eighteen, moved in together after a year and some days still can’t believe my luck. The fact is, I don’t feel I’m being sceptical, I feel I’m being sensible. Who can honestly say they’re not going to change one iota of themselves in the next forty, fifty, even sixty years? You can’t say that, it would be lunacy, and your partner can’t say that either, even if they want to. A male relation of a friend of mine was married for years and had two children before deciding to get divorced and undergo a sex change... His wife didn’t see it coming; perhaps he didn’t even see it coming.
Hopelessly Devoted?
You can be devoted without being hopeless and you can be committed without being one-dimensional. Don’t miss out on life because you’ve got lovers’ blinkers on. You’re an individual above everything else, remember that. You lived without your partner and you should always feel you could live without them again, even if you would prefer not to.
What’s more, a relationship between too independents often brings a stronger bond. Too heavy a reliance on one another can contribute to the building of resentment, pressure and perhaps even claustrophobia in a relationship.
When you each have separate pursuits, you enrich the other; you excite and inspire the other. You give much more to your partner, and to yourself, if you maintain yourself as an individual. You are never just ‘the Mrs’, ‘the other half’ or, heaven forbid, ‘the ball and chain.’ You are a single entity, and your partner, however wonderful, is lucky to be with you each day, and vice versa. Don’t take a great relationship for granted by depending on it too heavily; revel in it rather than solely rely on it.
♥ ♥ ♥
What are your thoughts, love-bugs of the world? Do you feel independent in your relationship? Do you agree or disagree with my thoughts? What does being independent mean to you? Get talking!
